Attachment

• Secure: consistency in communication (patterns; establishing predictability; not about frequency)

• Anxious: 14 text messages; wondering if someone is okay; feels shift from baseline that creates arousal (set by own expectations but not by consistent with realistic ones) 

• Avoidant: doesn’t respond intentionally to invoke anxiety in the other person to create consistency what they want; punishment in a sense

  • What not to do to evoke security: evoke anxiety - they’re not responding, so I won’t either > punishment will come (more avoidance) 

  • What works: very clear communication about what’s happening (not what other person is doing) - I statements and feeling and what temptation is > expectation: responding in consistent way 

• Powerless over their own behavior if they aren’t able to control not responding/if they can’t respond to “what can you do consistently” (what level of commitment are you willing to make?)